The most beautiful smile, is the smile that struggles through the tears.

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Tuesday, April 25, 2017


Ever since my last post,
I have not been updating this platform for a long time.
Prolly years?
Too long,
so much that I have forgotten that having your feelings,
and your thoughts documented is so important.
It allows you to look back in time,
gives you flashbacks of the past,
reminds you how much you have grown,
or how much have you learnt over the years.
I used to be a girl, with no aims, no ambitions, no goals in life.
I practically lived day by day not fretting about what might come tomorrow,
but now every day I lived through, I give thanks for the blessing I received,
to be able to live, it is already a blessing,
to be able to breathe the air, to feel your surroundings, to touch your loved ones,
it is all the simplest form of happiness.
This happiness itself is a bliss.
From roaming around, getting drunk and wasted,
now I spend my days, caring for my one and only adorable daughter,
watching K dramas to end the night for the next morning,
travelling around whenever I can,
reading books and do things I have never tried like kite flying with my child.
It seems that I have aged over the years,
I rather stay home than throwing dollars of bills on alcohol just so I could get wasted,
I prefer drinking coffee that perks me up all the time, instead of drinking alcohol to earn myself a terrible hangover the very next day,
but of course, I ain't no saint..I do indulge myself on drinking occasionally, now...that is an enjoyment, a luxury of life, but I don't get dead drunk of course.
I tend to appreciate little things more in life,
while doing the laundry, I felt tired and lazy at some point, but hey~ who doesn't?
But, it got me thinking my mum had been doing it for years without any complaints,
why am I whining?
When my daughter is driving me nuts,
it got me thinking.. it wasn't easy...
how on earth did my mum raised me up,
with me throwing tantrums,
crying for no apparent reasons,
destroying stuffs,
being defiant.
I would say, mothers are the greatest, and you would prolly realised that you owe them this lifetime.
It's painstaking, and it might got you thinking to yourself that this would prolly be one of the days you miss your mom,
and all you wanted to do was to give them a hug. Do it often, before it's too late.
As you progress in life, true friends got even harder to have, most of them are passerbys in life,
if they ever bid you goodbye, give them your utmost blessings and wish them luck in their future endeavours,
They won't be your foes, but someone who was your friend.
Everyone progress differently in life, everyone has different goals, everyone has different pace in life, when you can't keep up with the marathon,
you fall backwards, but it is okay to fall, just work harder to get yourself up all over again and begin with square 1 as soon as you can after every fall,
there is no perfect life, those who tell you there is, it's a huge pack of bullocks.
I have met people who climbed the hardest,they have reached the highest point eventually,
but they have no eyes for others, they became so full of themselves so much that they feel that it is okay for them to degrade others or to make others feel worthless of themselves,
one of the most painful one I have heard and I remember it till date was:

"I hired you so long because you are a single mum, what value do you have? What is your value?"

These words stuck me badly, so much that I went home as fast as my legs could bring me, I hugged my little girl who was barely two there and then,
I felt so overwhelmed by the words that came out of that mouth, I felt so worthless to a point that I lost my drive for anything,
that night, I hugged my girl and cried my hearts out so much that it prolly had scared her, but she comforted me by smiling back at me.
Firstly, I was a single mum by choice and I sucked up to my responsibility instead of running away or killing a life, why am I condemned? What was my value?
I realised I got no value, even to others, I literally lived like a living zombie that still has the last breath of life in me.
That was when I told myself, my value would be how I use peoples' value as a stepping stone to value add myself, when you slog your guts like a tough nutcase, no one would see the tonnes of hard work you put in. So I started to get benefits from people, when I don't need them, I gave them back like how they did to me, just that I returned them twice of what they gave me, not too bad, just twice of what I received, considering it to be a tad too little. It worked like a vicious cycle.
I have people whom I have treated like OHANA, took knives and stab me umpteen times, I left and walked out of it, and now I left them bitching. I remember those words, it stung me like a tingle at my ears till today:

"My house has got no more space, you have your own house, you get back to your own house." 

Yeah.. ohana? My foot!
These are the people you don't need in life.
When people say, separation is part and parcel of life, it literally means people walks in and out of your life, those that stays with you regardless of what, are the keepers. It is something we got to deal with almost every stage of our life phrase.
It sucks, but that's how it is. Brutally cruel.
Nopes, there ain't gonna be fairytales.
Fairytales are created to illustrate a happy ending.
But happy endings are mostly created by whichever paths that we're taking, and trust me, every path you take, counts. From that, I cherished people even more to me, I kept them even closer in my heart.

As you get older in life, you tend to be less consistent in love, you no longer get that kind of head over heels feeling just like when you first met your crush, when you went on your first date, when you thought that he's gonna finally be the one, or you feel unwanted when your loved ones do not reciprocate your love, the only thing that you will be concerned about, is he financially stable, will he be able to care for you, give you his time and attention, able to have a future together or not, the rest does not matter. Eventually when you find that both ain't compatible, the best way is to just get out of the unhealthy relationship, whether or not the other party is able to handle it or not, leave it to them, don't be too focus on their happiness and you forgot yours, and you're free.
Getting into a marriage and having a divorce, it tells me that in life, marriage is only but a piece of paper, to sustain it is a whole new level, nothing is forever. Don't ever try too hard just to get someone to love you. Because if they don't, they never will.

I have gotten to a stage whereby I regretted my actions in the past, some I found it amusing myself, but I learnt from all of it, it made me who I am today, it mould me to be someone better & stronger. Braving through the days, people spat on me, the days i had to have only instant noodles daily, the days whereby I had to walk through dark alleys & get caught in the rain being all sick and pregnant wanting to end my life.... just the thought of it, sends chills down my spine again... it ain't easy getting out of all these tough situation, I was all alone, no one could help me only myself.. I could only depend on my own to pull myself out with my own means... but now, I am so much happier because I have come to terms with it that this is L.I.F.E.
L-Love yourself more before loving others,
I-Inbetween Life & Death you face separation,
F-Forgive those that do bad to you but never forget every lesson it teaches you,
E-Enjoy to the fullest and indulge yourself to make everyday fruitful.

How about you, what are the changes you see in yourself now, or perhaps the years to come? Ever thought about it? If you haven't, it's a good time to start.

Friday, October 17, 2014

The Grey World. 灰色世界~

It has been a year since I last posted,

everything seemed so mundane to me now.

I suppress everything within myself,

gradually, I start to confine to myself again.

I thought I am strong enough to overcome,

but I was utterly wrong...

it came back to haunt me like a daunting spirit,

It is really devastating when people you know,

becomes people you knew.

Those who said they will never leave you,

are the ones who left.

How ironic can it be?

I have alot to rant,

but my mind went blank all of a sudden,

as though all my brain nerves and cells stopped working for a moment.

Alright, I will be back again.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Getting By & Moving On

I promised myself to keep updating,
but it's so difficult to do so being caught up with work and baby.
It has only been months since my last post.
But it actually felt way longer than that.......
A year ago,
I thought things would get better,
but it turned out to be a nightmare.
Everything changed overnight.
And I'm forced to slap myself hard in the face,
& wake up from my dream.
There is so many stages I went through,
within just 2 years of my life.
The day I made the wrong choice and move,
which almost destructed me; completely.

I used to be partying all night,
sleeping all day.
Work, but I seek to earn fast cash,
more cash just for enjoyment.
The luxury of life,
made me felt like there's nothing better than that.
I got sick and tired of getting drunk,
having a hangover the next day~
which is a total pain in the ass.
I wanted to settle for something,
something that would keep me stable and stay at where I am.
A sense of belonging was what I yearn for.
I felt like some wanderer,
going and moving around from place to place,
though I had a roof over me,
I felt homeless still,
I felt as if I don't belong at all,
I wanted something to myself,
my own home,
my own family that I could love for.
And at that point of time I told myself,
I ever found a man that would make feel I wanna spend my whole life with,
I'm gonna stick with him.
And yes, he appeared.
And I gave everything, blindly.
I had a baby with him,
and things started changing.

I struggling on my decision as to whether to keep the little life or not.
Decided on termination but eventually,
I chose to give birth to it when I felt its heartbeat,
& saw the little bone structures that were forming into shape.
How could I bear to kill it or end it's life just like that~
Hence, I decided to keep the baby.
However, the marriage between us turned sourish.
Betrayal, Denial, Anger, Hurt, Alone, Loss, Forgiveness & Hope.
All emotions come together at one go.
Crying to sleep every single night has been a daily routine.
It wasn't long till baby was born.
Held the little life in my hands,
made me felt that all is worthwhile.
After a few months when baby was born,
everything was even more mundane.
My life was, staying home do housework, take care baby at night go out and earn money for milk powder..
At that point of time,
I felt so helpless.
No one I could turned to,
I was forced kissed by some customers who were tipsy,
some who actually touched my butt or hug me,
tried ways and means to take advantage of me,
some are genuinely nice.
Disagreements stirred between waitresses, badmouthing started.
Got so sick and tired of the ugly night life,
I met so many different people,
and it's really a complicated environment for me.
Therefore, I embarked on looking for a day job.
Whereby I can stable down and in a proper environment and I could spend more time with baby girl.
I was stucked so many things to settle,
looking for a place to stay making sure I had enough money to survive,
after awhile, I set my mind on leaving,
I told myself I don't wanna go on like this anymore.
I wannt get out of it,
& I did. I brought baby girl along with me & left.
It was really a struggle,
I was so financially constraint,
so much that I had to go to people house and do housekeeping,
a part time maid.
I cleaned people house till my hands were all so rough,
just to earn money to support my baby alone.
But after everything was stable,
I went to start on a day job, office admin.
And I'm doing fine..
Life seems still okay,
not to mention that it has its ups and downs.
After a period of time,
I gradually got used to the life, things started to get better.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

The Twist In Life

Hey all,
here's a kiss for all my supporters and readers.
It has really been a long time.
The last time I ranted here,
was like a year or so ago.
In fact, alot of changes~
alot of events took place~
Went through alot of things~
Right now, as I'm typing this...
I've so much to rant about,
but I just don't know where to start from...
It's really alot...
One major change that is oblivious,
is that I've given birth to a little creature,
even more precious than my LIFE.
But, I'm sad to say that I was too naive about this thing called LOVE.
I thought that Love was the most wonderful thing in this world,
and that Sex was the most amzing thing that could ever happen,
which harbours the fruit of love...
And I was so obsessed with it, until it led me to the path of no turning back...

And here's a picture of my adorable cutiepie~
She's really the sweetest thing that I ever had.
Her smile and giggles is what motivates me every single day,
it is what makes me go on.

Bye for now,
but i'll continue to be more active here from today again.
I have so much more to talk about,
all the events that happenned in my life...
I would wanna type it down,
bit by bit,
so in future if I forget,
I can re-read my page like a whole new story to reminisce everything all over again,
and relinquish every moment that I might not have anymore.
Goodnight world.

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Things are better now.

Things are getting better between us,
and I'm happy that he's more caring, loving and understanding now.
I hope it stays this way.

Went for baby's ultrasound scan at the hospital a few days back,
doctor say that baby's a healthy one,
and it's a baby girl,
each time i go for my scanning session,
i really feel incredible,
the little life in my womb is really ALIVE! Kicking and doing all sorts of actions!
Really made me feel that everything is worthwhile,
I'm happy that I decided to keep the child until now,
instead of having the mindset to abort it previously for several times!
Really happy to have her,
my first mother's day gift,
and the best of all.
Love her so much. (:
Can't wait for my little princess to come into this world. (:

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Realisation often comes in too late.

Now, i've realised.
That you don't love me as much.
All along,
was just me,
being silly,
waiting for a miracle to happen.
Hoping and waiting for a change,
but it all ended up being made up.

Thank you.
Now i know.

will be the last gift that i have from you.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

There's a price to pay for everything.

As the saying goes,
there's a price to pay for everything,
yes indeed~
it's true.

Right now,
my sister~
she's convicted of a crime that i'd have never imagined of.
But she's in remand now,
and her case is pending.

I've not visited her since she went in after her first court session that i attended.
it really pains me just by knowing the fact alone that she's in there,
in tears,
all these words heard from my mother,
i keep my cool in front of her,
but deep inside my heart it pains me alot,
i miss her alot.

Many times,
i wanted to go and visit her,
but i'm afraid if i see her,
i would end up being more upset and in tears.

I really hope after this incident she could learn her lesson and turn over a new leaf.

Monday, April 30, 2012

History Repeats.

This day,
reminds me of the day I sprained my ankle.
Being afraid,
helpless & felt alone even though there was the crowd even though there was companion,
what I need was Him by my side,
but ignorance was what I got from Him.

Being an expectant now,
I cried almost everyday during my first trimester.
Every night I go to bed with a heavy heart & cried myself to sleep.
Almost slipping back to the state of depression that I used to be in before.
I had to face the fact that I was cheated~
being lied to and treated like a fool~
& He had his ongoing *affair*.
The hurt,
pain & emotional turmoil that I went through were as easy as ABC to Him,
which would be like,
start over~ forget the past~ close one eye & forgive every shit that He did to me,
even though I was still hurting during then~

Soon after,
another one came along~
I seriously do not know when another one might pop up anytime~
I guess it's just a matter of time.

He did treat me better for the past few days but it wasn't for long either.
ignorance comes into the picture again,
the next step,
what would it be?
I don't even dare to think about it,
by just thinking about it,
tears start to swell up in my eyes again.

A period of 6 mths plus~
sad days were more than happy days~
he felt that he did his best and treat me very well,
but what i want isn't just bringing me out accompany me,
feeding me,
giving me a place to stay,
sense of security~

When his phone line got cut off,
i was happy,
he was really there for me all the while.
But soon after his phone line reactivated again,
his nonsense came in again,
wierd behaviours again.

How long am i going to take all these?
i can choose to leave,
but the child~
it's innocent,
i pity it that it doesn't have a responsible father,
a immature father,
a playful chap.
but he neglected the fact that the child needs a supporting role of a caring father,
the mother, me needs his support in everything.

Coming from a broken family since young,
makes me yearn for love more than the rest,
as a result,
it made me went into a irreversible endless route.
Getting married,
is what he's saying every now and then,
but no actions no movements,
just saying.
From may to june.
Now, june; i seriously won't even dare to think about it,
i bet he would tell me july.
So on and so forth.

i'm really so sick and tired of everything.
Loving someone alone,
isn't enough at all.
So done and over with everything.
Whatever it is now,
I can only accept.
There is no U-TURNs for me anymore.
Every ex boyfriend of mine,
were so concerned for me,
but i really do not want my child to be other people's responsibility when its own father shirks it.

What should i do now,
i'm so lost,
so exhausted,
feel like giving everything up just like that,
but i can't.
My baby,
the only thing that keeps me going on~
anticipating its birth,
want it to be healthy,
nothing else matter as much now,
even Him,
has been replaced by baby.
At least with baby,
i feel a connection.
Something that keeps me striving for tomorrow.
It felt as though it knows when i'm angry or happy,
and i have a feeling that it can't wait to come into this world.

Excited for my next scan now.
Be it whether it's a boy or girl,
i'll love and dote him or her.
It's my child,
my baby,
my little angel.
Hope it'll be healthy.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Victim Of Love; Symptoms Of A Girl With A Broken Heart.

It's been awhile, away from here~
my favourite place for rantings.
Everything has been alright?
In fact, not at all.

2012~ A new beginning;
but it seems like everything is coming to an end.

Grandfather passed away during the 3rd day of Chinese New Year,
a few days later after the final goodbye ceremonies,
my father was admitted for resuscitation of heart failure.

Even on Chinese New Year,
I was left alone at home again.
Every year without changing~ I'd be alone.

This love,
with Him,
it kept me alive for seconds,
but it killed me over and over again,
and I'm struggling just to survive for every breath I can catch.
The things He does,
for a moment,
it made me felt as if I was on cloud nine,
but for the next moment,
it made me felt as if I was in the dungeons of HELL.
Knowing that He told me,
He regretted His choice,
makes me even more crushed.
I had something that He gave,
one which I would want to protect it even if it's gonna exchange my LIFE for it.
The hurt that I'm going through,
He would never ever understand,
all of a sudden,
He's like someone I was unfamiliar with,
but yet at the same time,
He felt so close and dear to me,
like my own kin.
Perhaps I was the one who ruin it all,
but I didn't mean it at all,
maybe it's His revenge on me,
making me suffocate and resuscitate me over and over again.
All along,
I thought by just staying by His side,
being faithful,
giving Him the care and concern,
love Him with all I could,
He would be able to feel my sincerity,
and that I'm not like those girls He met,
but what hurts the most was,
despite everything~
He asked me to leave as and when He likes,
like I'm some toy~
and even was told that if He could turn back time,
I wouldn't even be His choice,
all these words hurts,
but still I chose to stay by His side,
yes, I can leave,
but I choose not to,
I still hope and believe,
that everything there's still a glimpse of hope.
I've even seen things which really breaks my heart,
but I even swallowed everything,
I pretended like it was really just friends,
never ever have I been like this in my whole life,
I know He's been trying and do things which He hasn't done before,
but still His words and actions hurts me without His realization,
maybe He knows but pretends and ignores.

Each time He hugs me now,
I tremble and shake,
for I know that time won't stop at that moment,
and everything would be back to normal soon enough.
Each time He kisses me now,
I feel like crying,
for I don't know if any of those kisses,
was from the bottom of His heart.
Each time He says He loves me,
I pretend to smile,
I'm happy but devastated at the same time,
because I know I'm not the only one He says it to.
Each time He calls me sweetheart,
I feel as if I'm tearing apart,
because I know I'm not the only one He calls sweetheart.
Each time He says He misses me,
I feel like dying literally,
because I know I'm not the only one He tells it to.

Despite all these,
I still stay in love with Him.
Tryin' my best to keep this love alive,
which seems almost dead.
It hurts as though a knife cuts me so deep,
and it hurts down to my soul.
You were always the one to let go,
so easily,
like everything seems nothing to you,
but I kept on hangin' on~
You were the one who picked me up all over again from the bottom pit when I lost hope in everything,
like an angel in disguise that entered my life.
I'm still struggling on the edge,
trying to revive and survive.
Is our relationship that weak to survive all that obstacles?
Why did it drift?
Can't we be like how we used to?
If only you'd know how I really feel.
I tried to understand you,
but you keep drifting away from me more and more.
What have I done,
to deserve all these?
All I want,
is just that simple,
a simple relationship,
but yet it gets more and more complicated.
And those lies He told,
I knew it but I had to pretend like I didn't know a single thing~
Because He would deny.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

An angel sent from above.

The first day of the last month of this year; 2011.
Looking back, so much things have happened.
So much that there's too much to list it out.
But there's just one good thing that I've been thankful for these days, in recent.
I thank God for sending me an angel from above,
just that when I lost all hopes in everything that I'd pinned on,
He appeared in my life,
and that changed my life.

The first time I met Him,
my heart was racing like wild fire,
it kept beating so rapidly,
so much that I could hardly breathe the right way,
and the pace gets all messed up.
My eyes,
they rolled around looking frantically for something to focus at,
so as to avoid those big wide eyes of His.
My hands,
they kept reaching for my phone in my bag,
trying hard to keep it occupied,
so as to distract my thoughts.
My ears,
it tried not to hear the soothing voice of His that amazingly calm my anxiety.
Every single part of me,
felt so uneasy~
but at the same time~
I feel so comfortable with His presence around.
At last,
I fell in for Him, irrevocably.
So much that I was taken aback myself,
how is it possible that he managed to break through those self-defensive walls I built around me~ ??
Just like that,
so easily that it got me speechless.

He's the reason for the smile on my face,
for the tears in my eyes.
He's the one who brought joy into my life.
Because of that,
I stopped having sleeping disorder-insomnia.
Because of that,
I stopped having heart relapse.
For every salted drop that rolled down my cheeks,
He was there to wipe it away,
He was there to love,
He was there to console,
He was there to cheer me up,
He was there to care,
He was there to advice,
He was there to teach,
He was there for me throughout,
not forsaking me,
pushed me away,
sad as I am,
I want Him, nevertheless.
For me,
I saw His efforts,
I felt His efforts,
I was happy,
really happy from deep within,
it's been quite sometime since I could really smile from deep within.

He's one who made an impact in my life,
one who made drastic changes in my life.
I've learnt how to take the public bus,
know my way around unfamiliar areas,
touring around places by trains~
tasted food that I've never did,
tried so many new things,
it was like a whole new wonderful experience for me,
all felt like a wonderful dream to me,
that would prolly not come true after all,
but it did,
the more perfect it might seems to be,
the greater the fear within me rises,
afraid that everything would come to an end.
He's became something that I wouldn't wanna lose anymore,
I've lost too much things in life,
but this time round,
I just wanna be so greedy like never before~

So much that I became so overly obsessed,
I find myself so scary.
I hate myself for being this way.
Deep down,
I really care alot.
Maybe too much for what He might be able to withstand.
Letting things go on the loose,
but everytime I just failed to do so,
I get all worried about Him,
never knew that He could actually meant so much to me.
One that really treats me well,
one that really accepts me for who I am.

I've lost it all.
The meaning of it,
is long gone.
Lingering around aimlessly,
is what I'd been doing all along,
silly me.
This time round,
it got me going gone,
never gon' turn back again.
Enough, 19 years~
I've been a puppet for way too long,
too tired to go on anymore in fact.

Right now,
the warmth and love I feel is from Him,
a place where I can call Home.
As the saying goes,
All Good Things Comes To An End,
Evil Always Prevail In The End,
This time round, please let it be otherwise.
I've never really begged for anything before,
all I want now,
is Him.
Nothing else.
Simple life, Happy life, Peaceful life,
contented enough.