Getting By & Moving On

I promised myself to keep updating,
but it's so difficult to do so being caught up with work and baby.
It has only been months since my last post.
But it actually felt way longer than that.......
A year ago,
I thought things would get better,
but it turned out to be a nightmare.
Everything changed overnight.
And I'm forced to slap myself hard in the face,
& wake up from my dream.
There is so many stages I went through,
within just 2 years of my life.
The day I made the wrong choice and move,
which almost destructed me; completely.

I used to be partying all night,
sleeping all day.
Work, but I seek to earn fast cash,
more cash just for enjoyment.
The luxury of life,
made me felt like there's nothing better than that.
I got sick and tired of getting drunk,
having a hangover the next day~
which is a total pain in the ass.
I wanted to settle for something,
something that would keep me stable and stay at where I am.
A sense of belonging was what I yearn for.
I felt like some wanderer,
going and moving around from place to place,
though I had a roof over me,
I felt homeless still,
I felt as if I don't belong at all,
I wanted something to myself,
my own home,
my own family that I could love for.
And at that point of time I told myself,
I ever found a man that would make feel I wanna spend my whole life with,
I'm gonna stick with him.
And yes, he appeared.
And I gave everything, blindly.
I had a baby with him,
and things started changing.

I struggling on my decision as to whether to keep the little life or not.
Decided on termination but eventually,
I chose to give birth to it when I felt its heartbeat,
& saw the little bone structures that were forming into shape.
How could I bear to kill it or end it's life just like that~
Hence, I decided to keep the baby.
However, the marriage between us turned sourish.
Betrayal, Denial, Anger, Hurt, Alone, Loss, Forgiveness & Hope.
All emotions come together at one go.
Crying to sleep every single night has been a daily routine.
It wasn't long till baby was born.
Held the little life in my hands,
made me felt that all is worthwhile.
After a few months when baby was born,
everything was even more mundane.
My life was, staying home do housework, take care baby at night go out and earn money for milk powder..
At that point of time,
I felt so helpless.
No one I could turned to,
I was forced kissed by some customers who were tipsy,
some who actually touched my butt or hug me,
tried ways and means to take advantage of me,
some are genuinely nice.
Disagreements stirred between waitresses, badmouthing started.
Got so sick and tired of the ugly night life,
I met so many different people,
and it's really a complicated environment for me.
Therefore, I embarked on looking for a day job.
Whereby I can stable down and in a proper environment and I could spend more time with baby girl.
However,
I was stucked so many things to settle,
looking for a place to stay making sure I had enough money to survive,
after awhile, I set my mind on leaving,
I told myself I don't wanna go on like this anymore.
I wannt get out of it,
& I did. I brought baby girl along with me & left.
It was really a struggle,
I was so financially constraint,
so much that I had to go to people house and do housekeeping,
a part time maid.
I cleaned people house till my hands were all so rough,
just to earn money to support my baby alone.
But after everything was stable,
I went to start on a day job, office admin.
And I'm doing fine..
Life seems still okay,
not to mention that it has its ups and downs.
After a period of time,
I gradually got used to the life, things started to get better.