The most beautiful smile, is the smile that struggles through the tears.




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Monday, April 30, 2012

History Repeats.

This day,
reminds me of the day I sprained my ankle.
Being afraid,
helpless & felt alone even though there was the crowd even though there was companion,
what I need was Him by my side,
but ignorance was what I got from Him.


Being an expectant now,
I cried almost everyday during my first trimester.
Every night I go to bed with a heavy heart & cried myself to sleep.
Almost slipping back to the state of depression that I used to be in before.
I had to face the fact that I was cheated~
being lied to and treated like a fool~
& He had his ongoing *affair*.
The hurt,
pain & emotional turmoil that I went through were as easy as ABC to Him,
which would be like,
start over~ forget the past~ close one eye & forgive every shit that He did to me,
even though I was still hurting during then~


Soon after,
another one came along~
I seriously do not know when another one might pop up anytime~
I guess it's just a matter of time.


Yes,
He did treat me better for the past few days but it wasn't for long either.
Now,
ignorance comes into the picture again,
the next step,
what would it be?
I don't even dare to think about it,
by just thinking about it,
tears start to swell up in my eyes again.


A period of 6 mths plus~
sad days were more than happy days~
overall,
he felt that he did his best and treat me very well,
but what i want isn't just bringing me out accompany me,
feeding me,
giving me a place to stay,
love,
care,
concern,
sincerity,
faithfulness,
sense of security~
etc.


When his phone line got cut off,
i was happy,
he was really there for me all the while.
But soon after his phone line reactivated again,
his nonsense came in again,
wierd behaviours again.


How long am i going to take all these?
Yes,
i can choose to leave,
but the child~
it's innocent,
i pity it that it doesn't have a responsible father,
a immature father,
a playful chap.
Planings~ 
etc..
but he neglected the fact that the child needs a supporting role of a caring father,
the mother, me needs his support in everything.


Coming from a broken family since young,
makes me yearn for love more than the rest,
as a result,
it made me went into a irreversible endless route.
Getting married,
is what he's saying every now and then,
but no actions no movements,
just saying.
From may to june.
Now, june; i seriously won't even dare to think about it,
i bet he would tell me july.
So on and so forth.


Sometimes,
i'm really so sick and tired of everything.
Loving someone alone,
isn't enough at all.
So done and over with everything.
Whatever it is now,
I can only accept.
There is no U-TURNs for me anymore.
Every ex boyfriend of mine,
were so concerned for me,
but i really do not want my child to be other people's responsibility when its own father shirks it.


What should i do now,
i'm so lost,
so exhausted,
feel like giving everything up just like that,
but i can't.
My baby,
the only thing that keeps me going on~
anticipating its birth,
want it to be healthy,
nothing else matter as much now,
even Him,
has been replaced by baby.
At least with baby,
i feel a connection.
Something that keeps me striving for tomorrow.
It felt as though it knows when i'm angry or happy,
and i have a feeling that it can't wait to come into this world.


Excited for my next scan now.
Be it whether it's a boy or girl,
i'll love and dote him or her.
It's my child,
my baby,
my little angel.
Hope it'll be healthy.

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