Victim Of Love; Symptoms Of A Girl With A Broken Heart.

It's been awhile, away from here~
my favourite place for rantings.
Everything has been alright?
In fact, not at all.

2012~ A new beginning;
but it seems like everything is coming to an end.

Grandfather passed away during the 3rd day of Chinese New Year,
a few days later after the final goodbye ceremonies,
my father was admitted for resuscitation of heart failure.

Even on Chinese New Year,
I was left alone at home again.
Every year without changing~ I'd be alone.

This love,
with Him,
it kept me alive for seconds,
but it killed me over and over again,
and I'm struggling just to survive for every breath I can catch.
The things He does,
for a moment,
it made me felt as if I was on cloud nine,
but for the next moment,
it made me felt as if I was in the dungeons of HELL.
Knowing that He told me,
He regretted His choice,
makes me even more crushed.
But,
I had something that He gave,
one which I would want to protect it even if it's gonna exchange my LIFE for it.
The hurt that I'm going through,
He would never ever understand,
all of a sudden,
He's like someone I was unfamiliar with,
but yet at the same time,
He felt so close and dear to me,
like my own kin.
Perhaps I was the one who ruin it all,
but I didn't mean it at all,
maybe it's His revenge on me,
making me suffocate and resuscitate me over and over again.
All along,
I thought by just staying by His side,
being faithful,
giving Him the care and concern,
love Him with all I could,
He would be able to feel my sincerity,
and that I'm not like those girls He met,
but what hurts the most was,
despite everything~
He asked me to leave as and when He likes,
like I'm some toy~
and even was told that if He could turn back time,
I wouldn't even be His choice,
all these words hurts,
constantly,
but still I chose to stay by His side,
yes, I can leave,
but I choose not to,
I still hope and believe,
that everything there's still a glimpse of hope.
I've even seen things which really breaks my heart,
but I even swallowed everything,
I pretended like it was really just friends,
never ever have I been like this in my whole life,
I know He's been trying and do things which He hasn't done before,
but still His words and actions hurts me without His realization,
maybe He knows but pretends and ignores.

Each time He hugs me now,
I tremble and shake,
for I know that time won't stop at that moment,
and everything would be back to normal soon enough.
Each time He kisses me now,
I feel like crying,
for I don't know if any of those kisses,
was from the bottom of His heart.
Each time He says He loves me,
I pretend to smile,
I'm happy but devastated at the same time,
because I know I'm not the only one He says it to.
Each time He calls me sweetheart,
I feel as if I'm tearing apart,
because I know I'm not the only one He calls sweetheart.
Each time He says He misses me,
I feel like dying literally,
because I know I'm not the only one He tells it to.

Despite all these,
I still stay in love with Him.
Tryin' my best to keep this love alive,
which seems almost dead.
It hurts as though a knife cuts me so deep,
and it hurts down to my soul.
You were always the one to let go,
so easily,
like everything seems nothing to you,
but I kept on hangin' on~
You were the one who picked me up all over again from the bottom pit when I lost hope in everything,
like an angel in disguise that entered my life.
I'm still struggling on the edge,
trying to revive and survive.
Is our relationship that weak to survive all that obstacles?
Why did it drift?
Can't we be like how we used to?
If only you'd know how I really feel.
I tried to understand you,
but you keep drifting away from me more and more.
What have I done,
to deserve all these?
All I want,
is just that simple,
a simple relationship,
but yet it gets more and more complicated.
And those lies He told,
I knew it but I had to pretend like I didn't know a single thing~
Because He would deny.