Changes.

Ever since my last post,

I have not been updating this platform for a long time.

Prolly years?

Too long,

so much that I have forgotten that having your feelings,

and your thoughts documented is so important.

It allows you to look back in time,

gives you flashbacks of the past,

reminds you how much you have grown,

or how much have you learnt over the years.

I used to be a girl, with no aims, no ambitions, no goals in life.

I practically lived day by day not fretting about what might come tomorrow,

but now every day I lived through, I give thanks for the blessing I received,

to be able to live, it is already a blessing,

to be able to breathe the air, to feel your surroundings, to touch your loved ones,

it is all the simplest form of happiness.

This happiness itself is a bliss.

From roaming around, getting drunk and wasted,

now I spend my days, caring for my one and only adorable daughter,

watching K dramas to end the night for the next morning,

travelling around whenever I can,

reading books and do things I have never tried like kite flying with my child.

It seems that I have aged over the years,

I rather stay home than throwing dollars of bills on alcohol just so I could get wasted,

I prefer drinking coffee that perks me up all the time, instead of drinking alcohol to earn myself a terrible hangover the very next day,

but of course, I ain't no saint..I do indulge myself on drinking occasionally, now...that is an enjoyment, a luxury of life, but I don't get dead drunk of course.

I tend to appreciate little things more in life,

while doing the laundry, I felt tired and lazy at some point, but hey~ who doesn't?

But, it got me thinking my mum had been doing it for years without any complaints,

why am I whining?

When my daughter is driving me nuts,

it got me thinking.. it wasn't easy...

how on earth did my mum raised me up,

with me throwing tantrums,

crying for no apparent reasons,

destroying stuffs,

being defiant.

I would say, mothers are the greatest, and you would prolly realised that you owe them this lifetime.

It's painstaking, and it might got you thinking to yourself that this would prolly be one of the days you miss your mom,

and all you wanted to do was to give them a hug. Do it often, before it's too late.

As you progress in life, true friends got even harder to have, most of them are passerbys in life,

if they ever bid you goodbye, give them your utmost blessings and wish them luck in their future endeavours,

They won't be your foes, but someone who was your friend.

Everyone progress differently in life, everyone has different goals, everyone has different pace in life, when you can't keep up with the marathon,

you fall backwards, but it is okay to fall, just work harder to get yourself up all over again and begin with square 1 as soon as you can after every fall,

there is no perfect life, those who tell you there is, it's a huge pack of bullocks.

I have met people who climbed the hardest,they have reached the highest point eventually,

but they have no eyes for others, they became so full of themselves so much that they feel that it is okay for them to degrade others or to make others feel worthless of themselves,

one of the most painful one I have heard and I remember it till date was:

"I hired you so long because you are a single mum, what value do you have? What is your value?"

These words stuck me badly, so much that I went home as fast as my legs could bring me, I hugged my little girl who was barely two there and then,

I felt so overwhelmed by the words that came out of that mouth, I felt so worthless to a point that I lost my drive for anything,

that night, I hugged my girl and cried my hearts out so much that it prolly had scared her, but she comforted me by smiling back at me.

Firstly, I was a single mum by choice and I sucked up to my responsibility instead of running away or killing a life, why am I condemned? What was my value?

I realised I got no value, even to others, I literally lived like a living zombie that still has the last breath of life in me.

That was when I told myself, my value would be how I use peoples' value as a stepping stone to value add myself, when you slog your guts like a tough nutcase, no one would see the tonnes of hard work you put in. So I started to get benefits from people, when I don't need them, I gave them back like how they did to me, just that I returned them twice of what they gave me, not too bad, just twice of what I received, considering it to be a tad too little. It worked like a vicious cycle.

I have people whom I have treated like OHANA, took knives and stab me umpteen times, I left and walked out of it, and now I left them bitching. I remember those words, it stung me like a tingle at my ears till today:

"My house has got no more space, you have your own house, you get back to your own house." 

Yeah.. ohana? My foot!

These are the people you don't need in life.

When people say, separation is part and parcel of life, it literally means people walks in and out of your life, those that stays with you regardless of what, are the keepers. It is something we got to deal with almost every stage of our life phrase.

It sucks, but that's how it is. Brutally cruel.

Nopes, there ain't gonna be fairytales.

Fairytales are created to illustrate a happy ending.

But happy endings are mostly created by whichever paths that we're taking, and trust me, every path you take, counts. From that, I cherished people even more to me, I kept them even closer in my heart.

As you get older in life, you tend to be less consistent in love, you no longer get that kind of head over heels feeling just like when you first met your crush, when you went on your first date, when you thought that he's gonna finally be the one, or you feel unwanted when your loved ones do not reciprocate your love, the only thing that you will be concerned about, is he financially stable, will he be able to care for you, give you his time and attention, able to have a future together or not, the rest does not matter. Eventually when you find that both ain't compatible, the best way is to just get out of the unhealthy relationship, whether or not the other party is able to handle it or not, leave it to them, don't be too focus on their happiness and you forgot yours, and you're free.

Getting into a marriage and having a divorce, it tells me that in life, marriage is only but a piece of paper, to sustain it is a whole new level, nothing is forever. Don't ever try too hard just to get someone to love you. Because if they don't, they never will.

I have gotten to a stage whereby I regretted my actions in the past, some I found it amusing myself, but I learnt from all of it, it made me who I am today, it mould me to be someone better & stronger. Braving through the days, people spat on me, the days i had to have only instant noodles daily, the days whereby I had to walk through dark alleys & get caught in the rain being all sick and pregnant wanting to end my life.... just the thought of it, sends chills down my spine again... it ain't easy getting out of all these tough situation, I was all alone, no one could help me only myself.. I could only depend on my own to pull myself out with my own means... but now, I am so much happier because I have come to terms with it that this is L.I.F.E.

L-Love yourself more before loving others,

I-Inbetween Life & Death you face separation,

F-Forgive those that do bad to you but never forget every lesson it teaches you,

E-Enjoy to the fullest and indulge yourself to make everyday fruitful.

How about you, what are the changes you see in yourself now, or perhaps the years to come? Ever thought about it? If you haven't, it's a good time to start.