I learnt something called "pain".

I feel as Defenseless like a relentless tide.
My tears formed two running rivers under my eyes.
Intimidated, fear creeping in~
Hasn't been great these days.
Tidal waves of helplessness~
being panic, vexation, resentment and annoyance.
Overwhelmed, I'm in a constant state of madness.

if everything is conspiring to deprive
me of the halcyon days I deserve.
All the efforts to protect myself from feeling unhappy;
had probably only made other people just as unhappy.
And in the end, I haven't protected myself at all.
At the end of the day, i ended up making people getting disappointed at me,
giving up on me~
Why? I thought i would be understood.
But i was utterly wrong,
no one would understand me more than i do,
yes~ myself.
I am a trouble,
I am a burden.

Am afraid that i might just shatter into pieces~
What if i can't do this?
What if i can no longer pick myself up anymore?
Who will guide me step by step?
Walk those babysteps with me right from the start all over again?
Maybe, no one will.
Even if willing~ how long will they be willing to be?
How much patience and time will they have for me,
or will they even think if i deserve what i need from all these?
Halfway through, will they just let go of my hands;
making me stumble and fall again.

So, I go to work, we all go to work.
Work drones on . . . . . .
The idea of getting out of bed and off to work everyday is gruesome.
Each day, I would peel myself off the bed.
Glanced in the mirror to check that I looked OK~
and not look hassled, which is the main thing.
I dress up for work because,
my dolled-up self will hide the pale-looking me with my stressed self.
I don't wanna let anyone see me wallowing in-self pity,
the pathetic state of me~
in another word, it hides away the sorrows that i didn't wanna show.
It'll then be gluing in-front of the computer screen
for ten or twelve hours a day, freezing in the cold air.
I couldn't imagine anything more soul-destroying than working with numbers and calls,
more spirit-draining than looking at words, typing and searching~
a day gone just like that, a daily routine.

Hangover.
I just wanna feel light-weighted.
At that moment just don't feel the heavy burden on my shoulder,
my mind to feel trouble-free.
Not to think of the words "vex & unhappy" at that point of time.
But silly me, it wasn't the best way out.
Next morning it all goes~
SNAP! And i'm back to reality.
It all becomes a vicious cycle,
going round and about.
Grasping my breath,
breathing hard,
holding on,
moving on,
gritting my teeth,
staying strong.

Falling in and out of love,
i don't enjoy that at all,
not even a wee bit.
Pain is what i learnt,
the wound inflicted,
the broken heart,
the permanent scar,
Cause if it wasn't for you~
I might forget, how it feels to let go.
Struggling,
a part of me wants and needs you,
another part of me doesnt.
Love is a killer.
Making myself the biggest fool,
seems to be my best activity.
HA-HA-HA.
Love? Too tired to go on anymore.
What is love?
How does it feels?
It all becomes a tragedy for me.
What a life.
Am tired of fighting,
tired of crying,
tired of break ups,
tired of heartbreaks,
tired of the excruciating pain,
is this what i deserve?
I don't deserve to be dote on,
to be cherished,
to be love,
to be treated right,
like how every girl does and will?
Mayb i don't.

Deep down,
within me,
it hurts.
It feels as though someone just cuts me apart alive with a knife,
thousand of thorns stabbing right into my heart,
pain in my chest,
left me feeling exhausted & drained~
am losing my breath,
even my last breath is gone.
I'll be fine,
don't worry.
Will i be alright?
I hope so.
I've been holding out way too long,
am just a mere human,
ain't no superwoman.
Please stop torturing anymore, life.

I can't take it anymore. Please.