Emotional Turmoil

Hello all, It's been quite a while isn't it?

Snapping back to reality.
I'm scared of being happy, I think that the natural
way of things is for life to be grim and grey and dour,
to hate your job, hate where you live, not to have success
or money & god forbid a good boyfriend.
I actually get a kick out of being disappointed
and under-achieving, because it's easier.
I know, I hate myself this way too.

On a totally random note,
I feel that I need to fuss about someone's insensitivity and rudeness.
Of course I'm not saying who that person is.
I'm given the right to speak my mind but I with sensitivity,
have the decency to anonymize the person.
I was at that bus stop one night, upon arrival,
was about to cross the road,
i started pouring heavily.
I requested someone to fetch me an umbrella and walk me back,
that someone look at me up and down appraisingly,
as if reluctantly being forced to do so. RUDE.
I've always envied those people who spoke their minds,
who said what they felt without attention to social nicety.
but even so, one should be appropriate on the comments made.
I was feeling an F-sound forming on my bottom lip while that
someone went on and on yakkety yak! PISSED.
Can I be nasty? If I'm a 5, yours would be a -5 during then!
I've so much cuss words on my mind then,
but I filtered them all and just smiled.
You know what, It wasn't the first time I allowed that.
All it takes is once, and if they get away with it that once,
if they know they can treat you like that,
then it sets the pattern for the future.
I gave that person a chance to treat me bad repeatedly.
Sigh, be nice, but not too nice, don't make a religion out of it.
Throwing the umbrella at me and walked off just like that,
in that big downpour,
a very unforgettable night.
I was HURT.
Hahaha, okay! I rant enough.

On V'day.
Here I am, after nearly 7 months of romantically barren months.
Of course there's boyfriend, but it felt as if i have none.
Occasionally, very occasionally,
i would feel that i do have someone by my side,
I feel pain-stricken and almost breathless with loneliness.
This too shall pass; i forgave.
But i can never forget somehow.
Deeply etched in my mind.

Love is the answer.
Keep moving and don't allow myself a moment to stop
or look around or think because the trick is not to get
morbid, to have fun and see the days as, celebrations; making myself happy!
Of my life and all the good times, the memories.
To try and lift my grubby soul for new start.
The laughs, all the laughs.
With all these in mind,
I wish i would really be happy from the bottom of my heart.
But i wasnt so.
Supressing myself, trying my very best to to let it out of me.
I dont wanna appear pathetic in front of people.

It was so much easier to be just them.
It was bleakly depressing to think that they were us.
If it was them, then nothing was anyone’s fault.
If it was us, what did that make me?
After all, I’m one of us. I must be.
I’ve certainly never thought of myself as one of them.
No one ever thinks of themselves as one of them.
We’re always one of us.
We're always selfish.
I am selfish.
I hate myself,
real much.

It should not interfere with my life, involved no decisions,
and should not bother and trouble me.
It should be them and not me,
but me is them, and them is us.
Much pain and headaches,
but in retrospect I had to see the advantages.

I am troubled by a remorse that I thought
would never reproach me.
But since it did, then I was wrong.

I say it best, when I say nothing at all.
I feel so remorseful.