So near, yet so far.

Those who loved can truly tell,
the heartache of parting without farewell.

I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, trying to process my life
with nobody around, i have worked my way through
despair, guilt, sadness, anger, loneliness, depression and cynicism.
I have spoken aloud to myself, screamed, shouted, wept and mourned.
And you'd think that someone would come and comfort you,
What came was only silence, it greets me and
i have never felt so alone, completely and utterly alone.
Like an addict going cold turkey, i have paced the floors of my rooms
with every emotion bursting from my skin.

Strange how it feels like many years, when it has really only been two.
How we delude ourselves into thinking that eternity is something
measurable, containable, or even possible.
The years went away without my permission,
so here i am, picking up the fragments of the past.
Even yesterday seems such a distance away,
but I'm stretching ... As i always do.

Perhaps I've been rushing through my life,
jumping into things head first without thinking them through.
Running through the days without thinking the minutes.
A blip that knocked everything off course . . .

How I've learned that it's the day to day things,
the ordinary, the mundane that keeps our motors running.
How extraordinary the ordinary is, how we have taken those for granted.
How it's a tool we all use to keep going,
How it's a template for sanity.

I'm not saying one should not harbor plans.
To most, it's something that keeps them going,
but to me, it's something that burdens me,
I fear that there might be some cruel, tasteless jokes,
that brings ill-thoughts, that keeps me flustered and lost, again.
I don't know if you will truly understand it. You must live to know it.

There isn't a day that gone by without missing you.
Although it's difficult today to see beyond the sorrow,
may looking back in memory help comfort my tomorrow.
Much much misses and love.