Exhausted.

Here i am,
back to ruminate incoherently.

The toughest things are the hardest words to say.
They are the things I get sick of.
Things that seemed limitless when they are in the head,
to no more than living size when they’re brought out.
And they may cost me dearly only to have people look at me in a funny way.
Not understanding what I've said at all.
Sometimes it seems safer to hold it all in.
Where the only person who can judge is yourself.

Nowadays,
when I looked into the mirror, into my reflection.
I think I knew who I was. Who I am now, I'm not really sure.
I feel out of element, like I've lost a piece of myself.
I am not scared. I am just perturbed.

Day by day, I find myself distancing from people.
Not that I don't like them anymore, not that I don't care anymore.
I just . . . It's just . . . I don't think I can take It any longer.
I did not like to be touched because I craved it too much.
I wanted to be held very tight so I would not break.
Even now, when people lean down to touch me,
or hug me, or put a hand on my shoulder,
I hold my breath.
I turn my face.
I want to cry.

My mind, my heart, my body.
They just fail.

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments,
and glue them back together and tell myself that
the mended whole was as good as new.
I didn't like to think about what had happened,
but I was exhausted and my mind did an unstoppable turn back
to the memories I've always tried to forget, but never could.

My heartache magnify with people.
It's enough to break my heart.

I was good with forcing smiles,
I was so good with putting up a front.
I was even better at lying.
I tried very hard.
But now, my lips quiver when I’m faking a smile.
I don't want to go out pretending I'm fine anymore.
It just makes me want to die.

You'd say, It's fine to be myself.
That everyone would rather know my true emotions.
Think, and think again.
You would not welcome one with perpetually depressing thoughts,
however magnanimous and patient you are.
Say, you read this monthly and hate it.
How you are able to take it on a daily basis.
I drive myself crazy.
You won't want to be part of it.

I'm good being alone.

Everything is taking a toll on me,
I feel that it's really taxing on me.
How long more can i hold out.
Let's see..
No one understands what i am going through.
Disappointment again and again.
Years after years,
nothing changes,
except for the fact that...
it gets from bad to worst each time.
If only if this world aint so perplexed,
mayb things might have turned out better.